I am sitting here, early morning, after being up late last night working on somethings that I really didn't want to work on but it needed it so I did! Confusing? yep that's how I feel too. There's so much more that needs done today and don't feel much like doing that either. The kids have crap all over the living room which I don't even want to walk in. All weekend they have been sleeping downstairs so i have 3 blankets, 3 pillows not including the 4'X4' pillow for the dog. They have been shooting their bows with their father so I have 3 bow cases sitting in there. Dirty clothes, because that is where they decided to change their clothes,there are boots, shoes, toys from the 8 year old.... I cant tell you since Friday how much stuff I just picked up and threw away because I was sick of seeing it lay, including ... yep a pair of sneakers belonging to my son that he wears...why????? I threw away the kids game Memory but she seen it and pulled it out along with a few other things that seemed to get put away. My son has had his Playstation sitting on the steps in a bag with some clothes he took to his grandmothers house about 2 or 3 weeks ago and I threatened to throw that away also. It found its way to his room. I think I may have to start that again. This time I will have a raging fire going outside and burn the crap. Maybe then they will get a clue. Maybe not, besides I now hear rain falling so i guess there will be no bonfire today. I feel like such a bitch at times but the stress I feel on the inside cant control my actions. I am furious, angry, disgusted, pissed off, and just plain sick and tired of this life that I have managed to trap myself in. I read earlier I wish I could see foresight as well as hindsight. I would never have gotten myself into this mess that I feel I am at fault for. I regret children, I regret a relationship, I regret many things that I am now just going through the motions to survive. I would like to just fizzle down into nothing and just float away like a piece of dust. Hmm most days i am sick of feeling like dirt and today I want to be dust, how ironic. Maybe later will be better, maybe not until tomorrow, who knows if I'm lucky next week will have something better and worthwhile to look forward to. I doubt it though. seriously!

July 1 2006 - There is an eerie moon hanging in the sky. The stars are visible in the clear cool night. The sound of fireworks echo in the background from the display off in the next town some 5 miles away. I live in the country surrounded by trees and corn.
Today was just another day. The kids, arguing about the same things as yesterday and the day before. I think they enjoy getting on each others nerves as well as mine. Sometimes I just want to hide. Hide under a stone and not be found.
Have you ever just felt like no matter what you do, it goes unappreciated and unnoticed. Everyday of my life is like that. I clean, cook, wash clothes, take care of three kids, run a Girl Scout troop, take the kids where they need to go (appointments, friends, school, meetings) go to the grocery store, pay bills, take care of a dog (I never wanted) and work a full time job. No one else cleans; especially after themselves. No one else cooks; even if I work late. No one else feeds the dog or takes him out; did I mention I never wanted it. But the house is never clean enough. I didn't get the right kind of groceries. The shirt still has stains on it. There are dishes in the sink. Supper wasn't that good. I don't make enough money. I spent too much money. I am exhausted and need a little more appreciation and respect for the 2 full time jobs that I do on a daily basis. Every mother deserves to be be appreciated. I would like to be respected instead of expected.
I feel alone in this big world. I have friends that I speak to either at work or at our meetings. I don't hang out with anyone because I don't get a break from what needs to be done in my home. There are times where I just say the hell with it and do something else outside of the home. I take the kids to the movies, or to the park, to the town pool, or just to visit my mother. I know when I get home, the house will be waiting for me and everything that I am expected to do in it.
How do I get through it? I take a deep breath and know that tomorrow is another day. Maybe, just maybe.... something will be different.
Well, thanks for letting me get that off my chest as I don't have anyone else that I can talk to.